Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
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3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I can’t be the only one 😂
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.