All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
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I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
S O O N
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.