I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
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*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
not to brag, but mine was free
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.