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Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.