*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
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Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
✌🏽
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
No Google it does not
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
“you changed” bro i was 15
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.