[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
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But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.