Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
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His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.