[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
notice
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
The news in a nutshell.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”