It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
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That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Is this a threat?
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!