GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
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18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’