[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
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Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
The booster protects against what, now?
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories