Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
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Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Doctors texting each other.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had