Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
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I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i鈥檓 late. what did i miss?
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don鈥檛 want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren鈥檛 we all, haha, I鈥檒l just try to go about my business, okay no she鈥檚 definitely biting me
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Sucks how every girl I鈥檓 interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
pretending all the cars I鈥檓 passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they鈥檙e just driving somewhere
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 馃槒
Her: oh.. 馃槈 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother鈥檚 maiden name.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me