[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
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“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
☠️☠️☠️
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.