I’m calling the cops.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Comparing yourself to others
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.