Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
You Might Also Like
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
They’re stuck in your pants?
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.