Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
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[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
who will stop them
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Oh the world we live in…
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.