Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
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I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Somebody’s lying.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet