I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
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How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”