Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
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#Caturday
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Born to be mild.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.