The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
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Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win