Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
You Might Also Like
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
It was worth a shot 😂
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*