Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
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Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Google Pay be like:
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.