I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
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“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
is it earth
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.