Thrilling chase underway
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Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
It’s a gift
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
giddy up Office Depot
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.