Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
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If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
My birthstone is kidney
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500