If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
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‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I’M CRYINGGG
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*