[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
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I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
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I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”