You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
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“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.