what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
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I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
how much for the angry fruit?
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
OKAY DAD
The devil.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Solving a traffic jam
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.