I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
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Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
real
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
who called it hell and not heaven’t