People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
You Might Also Like
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success