My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
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*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
wtf is an acronym
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.