Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
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I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”