Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
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I have a type: disappointing
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Two types of dogs.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.