If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
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I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.