If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
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Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who鈥檚 in charge of this house.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let鈥檚 do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn鈥檛 attached though. The whole thing was very zen
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Just when I鈥檝e finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
馃幎Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
馃幎
#MeanwhileInCanada
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
What鈥檚 parenting 4 kids like so far?
I鈥檝e called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever