Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
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Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Why no, Google Maps, I don鈥檛 want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it鈥檚 not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Let鈥檚 take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 馃槓
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Me: I鈥檇 like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what鈥檚 his name
Me: I don鈥檛 know he won鈥檛 tell us