People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
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At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
This made me chuckle cuz mood
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.