Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
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Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.