My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
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it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Here
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*