Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
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Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Baking is just science you can eat.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
🙂🐾
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.