Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
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Just say no
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
i wish we could shoplift online
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I’m having an out of money experience.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.