Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
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Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.