3% human
97% stress
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if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.