Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
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Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”