Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
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*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”