I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
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Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
monday
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch