WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
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Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Thinking about Jeff
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Netflix and you sit over there.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.