Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
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My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you